I have an ego. I have an ego control problem.
There are days I think I’m greater than I am. There are days I think I am less than I am. I seek balance, but rarely find it.
My ego builds when I talk about my past, the work I’ve done, the education I’ve had, and the opportunities I’ve been given.
My ego falls when I reflect on the friends I’ve (not) kept, the memories I (wish I did not) keep, and the future I (don’t) have.
There is a discord between the person I feel I am, and the perception I am presented by others. Why should I care what others think about me? I shouldn’t, but how can you not? If it weren’t for others, you wouldn’t have a job, you wouldn’t get a paycheck, and you wouldn’t have a place to live. Others give you your work (or you create it yourself by involving others), your money must come from someone else, and the land you reside on probably was owned by someone else before you moved in. It may still be someone else’s property.
My problem with this discord is that the perceptions of others does not preclude a future that reflects my past. I was in programs for gifted and talented students through my development years. My schools and my community provided opportunities that leveraged my skills and talents. These moments were tailored for my abilities… and my needs. Unfortunately, these accommodations do not persist as you move on with your life. As time went on, I found myself fending more and more for myself because the structure that was suited to my background and experience.
Schools that offer programming for gifted and talented students are treading on dangerous territory. A subconscious dependence on customized opportunities leaves a student vulnerable and ill-prepared for life in a society that’s not ready or willing to adapt to different ways of thinking and processing.
I heard the saying once, “The A students end up working for the C students.” I’ve found this to be true. The C students seemed to socialize better and built relationships. The A students mastered subjects and knowledge. In the workplace, the skill and mastery gets the work done, but the manager keeps the relationships… and the paycheck.
I struggle with life because I cannot maintain relationships. I have to talk myself up, build my own ego, and pretty much brag about what I’m proud about. When it gets me nowhere, I feel a fool, and want to just crawl back to my hobbit hole and hide, and believe that everything good I’ve ever accomplished is the result of someone else serving it up to me on a silver platter.
Confidence in myself ebbs and flows, and some days I have little control over it. This is part of my illness. I have to believe in myself now, and not rely on anyone to make a path for me.